I was dreading Friday. How was I going to be able to see Eric and be okay? I didn't know what to do. Of course I wanted to see him, but I was scared of what it would do to me.
When Friday rolled around, I tried to kill time until I took the train to Baltimore. I did laundry, finished papers, and cleaned my dorm room. Finally, Brandee asked me if I was going to get ready at all. 'Your boyfriend is coming! Be excited!'
So, I did my hair and put make up on for the first time in a long time. I didn't realize how good I could look. I was just used to my hair not being done and my plain skin. It was me. I looked like myself. Well, the person I used to be. The person I was trying to get back to. My long hair was blown out and voluminous. My eyes were a striking green again, and my skin was porcelain and clear again. It was night and day, except I was stuck in the night.
Finally, I left for Baltimore with a fear I hadn't experienced before. I had never been scared to see Eric, my depression was twisting things.
When I arrived at Penn Station, I went to Matt's apartment and waited until Eric's plane arrived. Driving across BWI and seeing Eric was like a dream. I couldn't believe it was happening. I wouldn't have been surprised if I woke up back in my dorm room without him. We chatted and talked at Matt's and then we went to sleep. Once we were alone, I truly revealed everything. I just sobbed in my loves arms until I fell asleep. Waking up like usual, I think it scared Eric to see me like that.
We went to brunch and had the usual sibling arguments, and then it was time to go back to DC. Matt dropped us off, and I had a breakdown.
Please do not take me back there. Please let me stay here and go home with you. Eric, please. I love you, please just take me back. Lets just go. Please, Eric. Please. I'm so sick. I'm so sad. I cannot be happy no matter how hard I try. Please. Please.
I was crying in the middle of the train station. People were looking, definitely. But I didn't care. That's how far gone I was. Yelling at Eric in the middle of the Penn Station because he wouldn't take me back.
'Youre scaring me'.
Eventually he calmed me down enough to get into the train. But as we got closer to Union Station, my heart sank. I could see the Washington monument sticking out above everything else, I could see the basilica from afar.
No. Please God, no.
We went straight to the hotel. No sightseeing, nothing. I was so out of it that we needed to be as far away as possible.
We never left that hotel room. We laugh, cried, held each other...trying to make every second count.
I have never experienced a panic attack in my whole life. I have never seen someone go through one, and I sure as hell didn't know what to do when I had one.
I woke up to use the restroom and when I walked back in, something I had never felt before hit me. This was so perfect. I had missed him so much and here he was. But he's leaving. In just twelve hours he'll be gone and I will be here alone.
I don't remember what happened next. I remember waking Eric up because I knew something was wrong. I remember sitting on the ground rocking while breathing into a bag. I remember Eric on the phone talking to Matt and getting directions on what to do. I remember Eric asking if I needed an ambulance. I remember feeling like I had no control of my body. Finally I remember Eric helping me into the shower and sitting with me until I could breathe normally again.
This was one of the scariest moments of my life. My panic attack lasted for about 40 minutes. I couldn't calm down. I was out of it, and Eric had to try to bring me back.
Across the country from my home, my parents, my sister, my brother, everyone...and I lost control of my mind.
I'd lost control of myself.
When Friday rolled around, I tried to kill time until I took the train to Baltimore. I did laundry, finished papers, and cleaned my dorm room. Finally, Brandee asked me if I was going to get ready at all. 'Your boyfriend is coming! Be excited!'
So, I did my hair and put make up on for the first time in a long time. I didn't realize how good I could look. I was just used to my hair not being done and my plain skin. It was me. I looked like myself. Well, the person I used to be. The person I was trying to get back to. My long hair was blown out and voluminous. My eyes were a striking green again, and my skin was porcelain and clear again. It was night and day, except I was stuck in the night.
Finally, I left for Baltimore with a fear I hadn't experienced before. I had never been scared to see Eric, my depression was twisting things.
When I arrived at Penn Station, I went to Matt's apartment and waited until Eric's plane arrived. Driving across BWI and seeing Eric was like a dream. I couldn't believe it was happening. I wouldn't have been surprised if I woke up back in my dorm room without him. We chatted and talked at Matt's and then we went to sleep. Once we were alone, I truly revealed everything. I just sobbed in my loves arms until I fell asleep. Waking up like usual, I think it scared Eric to see me like that.
We went to brunch and had the usual sibling arguments, and then it was time to go back to DC. Matt dropped us off, and I had a breakdown.
Please do not take me back there. Please let me stay here and go home with you. Eric, please. I love you, please just take me back. Lets just go. Please, Eric. Please. I'm so sick. I'm so sad. I cannot be happy no matter how hard I try. Please. Please.
I was crying in the middle of the train station. People were looking, definitely. But I didn't care. That's how far gone I was. Yelling at Eric in the middle of the Penn Station because he wouldn't take me back.
'Youre scaring me'.
Eventually he calmed me down enough to get into the train. But as we got closer to Union Station, my heart sank. I could see the Washington monument sticking out above everything else, I could see the basilica from afar.
No. Please God, no.
We went straight to the hotel. No sightseeing, nothing. I was so out of it that we needed to be as far away as possible.
We never left that hotel room. We laugh, cried, held each other...trying to make every second count.
I have never experienced a panic attack in my whole life. I have never seen someone go through one, and I sure as hell didn't know what to do when I had one.
I woke up to use the restroom and when I walked back in, something I had never felt before hit me. This was so perfect. I had missed him so much and here he was. But he's leaving. In just twelve hours he'll be gone and I will be here alone.
I don't remember what happened next. I remember waking Eric up because I knew something was wrong. I remember sitting on the ground rocking while breathing into a bag. I remember Eric on the phone talking to Matt and getting directions on what to do. I remember Eric asking if I needed an ambulance. I remember feeling like I had no control of my body. Finally I remember Eric helping me into the shower and sitting with me until I could breathe normally again.
This was one of the scariest moments of my life. My panic attack lasted for about 40 minutes. I couldn't calm down. I was out of it, and Eric had to try to bring me back.
Across the country from my home, my parents, my sister, my brother, everyone...and I lost control of my mind.
I'd lost control of myself.
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