One year. I cannot believe it has already been a year! In some ways, this year has flown by, but in others, it has been the longest year of my life. 

One year ago today I came home. One year ago today I walked into the Dean's office at The Catholic University of America and signed my life away. One year ago I lost the identity of 'student' that I had carried for twelve years. One year ago my parents and I packed my whole dorm room up into a few duffel bags and boarded a plane at BWI airport. One year ago I cried as I saw the beautifully-lit, perfectly gridded streets of Phoenix and finally felt home. One year ago I crawled into my own bed and fell asleep next to my dog feeling that finally things might be okay. 

The next day started a journey of a lifetime. I went to ASU the next morning and became a Sun Devil, and right after that I searched the San Tan Mall for a job. For some reason, Barnes and Noble chose little me to be their new seasonal worker and I finally got my first job making drinks and selling books. The next few months were a strange state of limbo for me. Eric was still up in Flagstaff and I only saw him maybe five times before the end of the semester. I did not go to school, and I really had nothing to do during the days at all. There was a lot of sleeping, resting, and healing but this time brought me an enormous sense of comfort. I was by no means healed - I still had a long road ahead of me. 


So how have I measured this year? I'm not quite sure. There have been trials, successes, losses, and gains. I have tried and failed many things but have finally found a road that seems to be right where I am meant to travel. I have a job I absolutely love, I still fall in love with my best friend a little more each day, and I have a family most people only dream of having. 

As I walked into the tattoo parlor yesterday, I felt a sense of closure. This year is over. I made it through, and have only become a better person because of it. No matter what happened, I always remembered that 'this too shall pass' - and it did. A year always seemed like an incredible amount of time, but I have finally reached that benchmark. If I can get through this past year, there is nothing that I cannot do. 

Last week Eric and I went to the Train concert. I have always been a huge fan of theirs and could not wait to see them live! But, the song I was most looking forward to was Drops of Jupiter. Lately, I've really been able to relate to this song.

My breakdown was such a heavy experience that I often do not remember all of the events that took place. Some say its a way of my mind protecting me but regardless, it's a strange feeling. Because of this, I feel like the past year has been like a movie that I am merely watching, not directing. My depression and mind has had so much power against me that I would eventually succumb to it. Over the past year I have gotten five piercings, dyed my hair blonde, lost friends, had three different jobs, changed my major twice, moved twice, and have greatly struggled with my weight. Up, down, up, down, up. Doctors have told me I need to focus on my mental health before anything else but that doesn't mean it still doesn't bother me. I have had no control over myself and its a terrible feeling.

When Train closed their concert with Drops of Jupiter, I couldn't help but feel a sense of calming. This past year I had out of this world experiences and I am trying to get back. Every step on the treadmill or hair that turns back to my brunette shade is one more step closer to becoming the Megan I miss. As I write this, I am waiting at the lab to take a blood test to make sure everything's going swell. I am dedicated to closing this chapter of my life.

I'm still learning from the past year. I don't know what I learned from my Milky Way or my stay on the moon but I sure know I missed you all when I was gone.

Thank you for staying patient with me. The worst is over, now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces.

Every so often there is a day that reminds me that everything is going to be alright. Today was one of those days. Today I woke up to my lovely ragdoll, James P. Sullivan - Sulley for short - climbing onto my bed and snuggling up against me. His purring was the best wake up call I could ask for. For about a half hour there we were just laying there and enjoying the fact that we didn't have to get up and do anything - the moment was ours. I love my little kitten, he brings me such happiness.

Then my phone went off and my best friends asked me to come over for a fun afternoon of Hawaiian themed fun. They had just gotten back from Disneyland where The Tiki Room was celebrating its fiftieth anniversary so they were feeling a bit tropical. My afternoon was filled with laughs, disney music, family, pizza, and fun.

But the moment that really struck me was right at sundown. If you haven't experienced an Arizona sunset, please add that to your bucket list. There really is nothing as beautiful as our desert's sunsets. Eric, Kelly and I were riding in Cheryl - my trusty car. I had Pixar music blasting from the speakers and we were the only ones on the rode. Then, I turned onto Pecos.

The sunset tonight was breathtaking. The desert sky paints the most vivid rainbow there is. The sky was clear with just a few clouds lingering and the sun was bursting through their linings. The bright red was blazing across the sky until it turned into an orange...yellow...and faded into the night sky.

For a moment, all of the stress was gone. All of the depression, anxiety, and angst was completely gone. All of the stress about my show...my worries about summer classes...vanished.

There I was, holding my loves hand, driving down the road I had begged to be on not too long ago.

This summer has been a very interesting one for me. Everyday is a blessing. I keep comparing it to last year and the sadness I felt while watching my time in Arizona tick on by. But this year, I wake up and truly seize the day. I used to absolutely loathe Arizona. I hated the heat, the sunburns, and the feeling of breathing in fire when you turn on the cars air conditioning. I could not wait to leave. Now, I wouldnt trade my desert home for anything. It doesn't matter that this summer is halfway over...at the end of it ill wake up, cuddle with Sulley, and head to ASU. Then I can pick Kelly up from Seton, see Eric, go visit home, or go to my internship. For once, I feel okay. I feel like everything is going to be okay. It's a strange feeling for me at the moment.

So there we were. My two best friends and me driving under the sunset sky listening to the 'UP' soundtrack. And for the first time in a very long time - I was crying tears of pure happiness. There was no sorrow, no sadness. I had found my Paradise Falls like Ellie did in 'Up'. I had found the place I had always dreamed I would be - and that was home. I had to travel the world to figure it out...but I'm right where I need to be.

Leaving the counseling office, I had a lot on my mind. People kept telling me to stick it out and that I would feel so proud that I made it - that I would look back on my time at Catholic and be proud that I stuck through and conquered the depression.

Do you know what I'm really proud of? That fact that I left. The fact that I actually listened to myself for once instead of pleasing those around me. Maybe it took a life or death situation to give me the strength, but I was proud that I stood up for myself.

I still hadn't gotten ahold of Eric which really concerned me. It turns out that Eric had his phone charging across the room from him on vibrate so he was unable to hear or feel the many calls he received that morning.

I called everyone I could think of that might have had contact with him - his roommate, and his mom. I knew Maggie would be awake teaching and I will always be happy that I called her that morning. My family has a tendency to be very emotional. When I called my cousins and other relatives, it almost made things worse because I did not want to cause them hurt and I definitely did not want to draw any more attention to the situation.

But when I called Maggie, she asked her usual 'what's up?' and then proceeded to make me laugh and calm me down. She joked about how having W's on my transcripts was way less detrimental than her D's and F's. She told me I needed to come home and get healthy. Maggie has a way with words, and they worked wonders on me that morning.

More calm, I came and found my roommate awake and told her about everything that had happened that morning. She had been completely out of the loop with the events of the day and so I had to fill her in. Brandee was very shaken up by it all, and I can see why. Had things gone differently she could have woken up to a much grimmer scene. I hadn't realized how hard it must have been to watch me go through it. Everyone else only heard me from across the country but Brandee saw me get worse every day. I will always thank God that he put us in Reardon 204 together.

I lost track of how many people I had to speak with that day. First, my RA suspiciously came in and asked to talk to me. I hadn't talked to her ever and she just wanted to 'catch up'. Yeah right you idiot, I'm not dumb. After dealing with her, I had to speak to the head of the RA's for a good while. All of them trying to keep me at Catholic. Honestly, that just made me want to leave more. I wanted to be done sharing the story....done with supporting my decision, and sure as hell done with DC.

The sun started to shine a little brighter that day. I could finally see a way out. Some people thought I faked it just to go home...I assure you I would never stoop that low. Even in my darkest and most desperate of times, that's not something I would use.

I wanted to leave right away. I wanted to get on the next plane home and sleep in my bed that night with bandit. But I had to settle some business, sign some papers, clean out my dorm, but at that point...I wanted to go home and have my mom or dad bring it all back. I was done with this dark time in my life. And now that I saw a way out, it wasn't coming fast enough.

I was leaving college.

this blog will be the most descriptive and probably the hardest to read. If you do not feel comfortable, please do not feel obligated to read on.

Suicide has never been an option for me. I have always known that whatever the obstacle, I could conquer it. I have seen first hand the effects that suicide can leave on the ones left behind, and I knew I would never cause someone that pain.

But, when your mind is so far gone and you cannot control it, it wanders. It wanders to the darkest of places - to the places you never thought you would face.

I woke up on Thursday, October 18th in a despair I had never felt before. I had once again woken up numb. These last few days I had just been living. I didn't put any effort into anything else. No makeup, no brushing my hair, and no showerring. I simply went to classes, and went back to my dorm. I hardly talked to anyone besides my roommate. I gave up on all the counseling advice because it simply was not working.

I woke up feeling nothing. No pain. No happiness. Nothing.

I had never felt this bad before. I looked at my countdown - still five weeks. Five weeks of this fucking shit. Five weeks of breathing and nothing else. Five weeks of utter darkness. Well, five weeks was too long.

I am never one to give up. But right there in my bed, I have up. Five minutes to get to class - who cares. Who cares about anything anymore to be honest. I tried so hard just to sit up, only to sit there. In the dim corner of the room.

You can only have so much strength.

I got up, and knew immediately that I needed my medication. This is where I lost control of my thoughts. It was like watching a scene in a movie. I pulled out my second drawer, found my antidepressant and just stared at it.

'Give it a few weeks.'

Well, my friend, I had. Why the hell was it not working? Why am I sinking deeper and deeper?

I shook the bottle to get the tablet into the lid, but a few more can with it.

'Take one tablet twice daily.'

One tablet huh? One fucking tablet? I knew what would happen if I took all the pills that had poured out. I knew very well what would happens if I took more than one....two....three....the whole bottle.

I did not care. For the first time, my depression won. For that moment, life was not worth living if it meant living in utter darkness. The battle was no longer worth it. The struggle was winning.

I wanted to take my own life. Sitting on the floor, feeling the rough carpet and the smooth tile beneath me, look at the countdown that was nowhere near where I needed it to be, looking at the mess of what I had become, I wanted to get out. Get out of it all. Not go to another stupid counseling session that gives me glimmer of hope only to leave and feel it disintegrate. Not to get out and go to music theory to learn the minor scales. Not to get out and even feel the sun. I wanted to get out of the whole situation. I had lost my strength. I had lost my fight, my desire to go on. Home was too far away, and if everyday in between was like this...I couldn't make it. Even when I would go home, after a few days I would be right back in this hell. Thanksgiving was too short of a time to really fight for.

'You can't do this anymore.'

I really believed that I couldn't. My depression had permeated into every part of me. I did not believe I could make it.

I had really hit rock bottom.

The hardest part of contemplating suicide for me was not weighing the pros of getting out of the darkness, but talking myself out of it.

What would you do if you thought you were going to die? If you had only a few moments...what would you do?

I opened the top drawer and took out a letter Kelly had written for me. She gave it to me that night before I left and I kept it close to me as much as I could. She talked about how much she loved me and how I had become her best friend. She talked about how she would always be there for me, no matter what.

When I looked up, I saw the picture that accompanied the letter. A picture of Kelly and I waiting for Toy Story Mania at Disneyland. My heart ached. How different things were now.

I wanted to be able to go to Disneyland with her again. I wanted to see Kelly grow into a woman and see how many ways she would change the world around her, but I would have to get through this first.

Right above me, I saw the frame that held my favorite picture of Eric and me. It was taken at senior reflection day. We were both suffering in the picture because we were both facing a countdown that would seperate us across the country from the other. We looked so happy. Being in his arms looked like the greatest thing in the world. A few days ago I was limp in his arms sobbing.

How I wish I could be in his arms now.

Next to it was a picture of him dressed as wolverine for Halloween. I don't know how old he was, but I think it is the cutest picture ever. Look how cute he was. The love of my life in a little xmen outfit. .

Look at little Eric. Look how happy he was. I had always wanted to marry that little wolverine and be his wife forever. We both knew we would be together. I wonder if our kids would look like that little xman. I wonder if our little son would love to watch xmen and the avengers like his dad. I wonder if he would have Eric's contagious smile or his beautiful brown eyes. I wonder what house we would live in, if we would have a little corgi running around. I wonder if that little boy would have Eric's laugh. The loud laugh that makes everyone else giggle and curl their lips into a smile.

I wonder.

I wanted to find out. I had so much to live for. That little 4 x 6 photo brought out a fight in me. Looking at Kelly and Eric brought me back to earth. It helped open the screen I was living behind.

I took out my phone and dialed 'Eric Pfaff'.

No answer. Of all the days that I had called Eric, there was no answer on this scary morning. I think I called him four times laying on that cold floor.

Those pictures saved me.

I put the one pill in my mouth and hurried to class. The last thing I needed at that moment was to be alone. I was too scared to be alone.

I ran to the music building and never looked back. I was in the same clothes I had slept in, but I didn't care.

I needed to tell somebody.

Matt would understand.

'Matt, I really thought about taking all of my pills today.'

'Call me'

A fleeting death wish is what I experienced. I never went back to a class after I stepped out of that music theory class

I went straight to the counselor and told them everything. One, two, three counselors came in asking me all sorts of questions.

'If you stay, we're going to control your medication. You will have to come into this office to receive your two doses a day. Suicidal tendencies are not taken lightly here.'

'If I stay?'

'Well, it is very common for those who experience suicidal episodes to medically withdraw from the school. Your condition more than qualifies you for this.'

I was sick. I wasn't just crazy. Medically withdraw? I didn't even know that was a possibility.

My counselor got on the phone where it was decided my condition was so severe that I would medically withdraw from Catholic.

I was going home.

When I came to, I called my mom sobbing. All I wanted to do was curl up in her arms and sleep. I wanted to be in Arizona. How could they possibly keep me here after what I just went through? It seemed so elementary to me to assume I was going to go home now. This has gone too far. I am much too sick. And what go you do when you're too sick for school? Stay home.

The answer was still, 'no'. And I put down all walls I had up. I didn't have the strength to cover my depression any longer. I let it all out.

I was too worked up to walk to the metro station. This is when I remember hitting one of my biggest lows.

I needed to call my dad. I love my dad. He is such a funny guy and always looks out for his kids. I missed hearing him call me 'Megan one' and talking to me. So, I collapsed onto a bench on the side of the rode and pleaded with my dad. He was going to a cardinals game with Eric's dad but I caught him before he had left. 'What do you want me to do, hun? You can't just drop out, I won't let you.'

When you are in the deepest depths of depression, it doesn't matter what you need to do to get better...you'll do it. I could give a shit about dropping out. Me getting better and surviving was a bit more important to me than the few credits that would transfer from CUA.

There I was, in the middle of a very busy street in Maryland uncontrollably sobbing. It's very hard to explain the feelings of depression. The best I can say is extreme hopelessness and despair. I was desperate to get better, to get out. I was too far gone to care about what others saw when they walked by me. Too far in the darkness to care about what Eric was saying. I had one goal - to get out.

My tactics then turned to Eric. 'Just take me home with you. Please Eric. Just take me now. Ill go home like this and get my stuff later. I don't care. There is nothing there I need, they can just sell everything. Eric please. If you love me, just do this. I have never needed anything more then to be out of here.'

Now that I am sane, I cannot believe I put him in that position. But at the time, desperation clouded over any sort of logic. Somehow we got back to Catholic and into my dorm room. There, I calmed down a bit. But like any part of depression, I knew I would hit a low. I didn't want to say goodbye to him. My last hope was leaving me and I was not handling that well. I even payed money for him to take a taxi instead of the metro so he could stay for longer. I finally calmed down enough to say goodbye. I kissed my last hope, and watched him drive away.

I immediately turned around and walked up the stairs to the basilica. By this point in my depression, I was numb. I couldn't cry. I couldn't laugh. I was just living. Living through a haze. I remember sitting in the back of the basilica just being there. God was keeping me alive and I guess that's all I could ask for. Going home was completely out of the question. I had never felt so much comfort in receiving communion. That little wafer gave me a small bit of hope - at least God won't leave me right now. There was nothing else to do...so I truly put my life into his hands.

I was supposed to go back to Baltimore to be with Matt because my parents were so concerned and worried about me being alone. But the numbness had covered me so much that I didn't need to. I was simply breathing, walking, and living. There were no feelings left - just survival.

The next morning I went to an emergency counseling session where she talked to me about withdrawing. I was too glazed over to truly understand what was going on but it sounded wonderful to me...but I knew it wasn't going to happen.

I became a bit of a red flag. People were watching me and I knew it. I had the deans office calling me, making appointments to talk to me about my safety. I had the dean of music call me in to talk saying that I could come in everyday, she would check on me. She gave me her house and cell number and said if I had another attack, to call and she would be a mom for me. I was being watched. They were scared to let me be alone, and so was I.

My thoughts at this point were very disturbing. What was I supposed to do stuck in this place? There was no hope now. Any glimmer of it shining through was covered.

My depression then lead me to consider the darkest of solutions - to take my own life.

I was dreading Friday. How was I going to be able to see Eric and be okay? I didn't know what to do. Of course I wanted to see him, but I was scared of what it would do to me.

When Friday rolled around, I tried to kill time until I took the train to Baltimore. I did laundry, finished papers, and cleaned my dorm room. Finally, Brandee asked me if I was going to get ready at all. 'Your boyfriend is coming! Be excited!'

So, I did my hair and put make up on for the first time in a long time. I didn't realize how good I could look. I was just used to my hair not being done and my plain skin. It was me. I looked like myself. Well, the person I used to be. The person I was trying to get back to. My long hair was blown out and voluminous. My eyes were a striking green again, and my skin was porcelain and clear again. It was night and day, except I was stuck in the night.

Finally, I left for Baltimore with a fear I hadn't experienced before. I had never been scared to see Eric, my depression was twisting things.

When I arrived at Penn Station, I went to Matt's apartment and waited until Eric's plane arrived. Driving across BWI and seeing Eric was like a dream. I couldn't believe it was happening. I wouldn't have been surprised if I woke up back in my dorm room without him. We chatted and talked at Matt's and then we went to sleep. Once we were alone, I truly revealed everything. I just sobbed in my loves arms until I fell asleep. Waking up like usual, I think it scared Eric to see me like that.

We went to brunch and had the usual sibling arguments, and then it was time to go back to DC. Matt dropped us off, and I had a breakdown.

Please do not take me back there. Please let me stay here and go home with you. Eric, please. I love you, please just take me back. Lets just go. Please, Eric. Please. I'm so sick. I'm so sad. I cannot be happy no matter how hard I try. Please. Please.

I was crying in the middle of the train station. People were looking, definitely. But I didn't care. That's how far gone I was. Yelling at Eric in the middle of the Penn Station because he wouldn't take me back.

'Youre scaring me'.

Eventually he calmed me down enough to get into the train. But as we got closer to Union Station, my heart sank. I could see the Washington monument sticking out above everything else, I could see the basilica from afar.

No. Please God, no.

We went straight to the hotel. No sightseeing, nothing. I was so out of it that we needed to be as far away as possible.

We never left that hotel room. We laugh, cried, held each other...trying to make every second count.

I have never experienced a panic attack in my whole life. I have never seen someone go through one, and I sure as hell didn't know what to do when I had one.

I woke up to use the restroom and when I walked back in, something I had never felt before hit me. This was so perfect. I had missed him so much and here he was. But he's leaving. In just twelve hours he'll be gone and I will be here alone.

I don't remember what happened next. I remember waking Eric up because I knew something was wrong. I remember sitting on the ground rocking while breathing into a bag. I remember Eric on the phone talking to Matt and getting directions on what to do. I remember Eric asking if I needed an ambulance. I remember feeling like I had no control of my body. Finally I remember Eric helping me into the shower and sitting with me until I could breathe normally again.

This was one of the scariest moments of my life. My panic attack lasted for about 40 minutes. I couldn't calm down. I was out of it, and Eric had to try to bring me back.

Across the country from my home, my parents, my sister, my brother, everyone...and I lost control of my mind.

I'd lost control of myself.

Washington DC is a place of many memories. Not only for the many people that visit but also in our nations history. And I definitely made some memories when I visited Megan during October. I had a very long trek ahead of me, from NAU to Phoenix, from Phoenix to Baltimore, and then onward. The drive was long, and the flight was even longer, but I would be seeing my love that day so my happiness was at an all time high.

I arrived at BWI around 11PM, and I was feeling gross and exhausted from all the travel. But when I saw Megan out the window of her brother’s car my heart was filled with joy and happiness because I knew I had made it. We kissed and cried for a bit but then left for her brothers house to spend the night before we left for DC the next day. I remember staying up all night talking and laughing with Megan, but I could tell something was different. She was sad and it was not easy for me to hear her cry about missing home, her family, me, and Arizona.

The next day, Megan, Molly, Matt and I went out for brunch before Megan and I got on a train to DC. The brunch was definitely interesting.  As Megan contemplated about going home and changing her major, there was a different direction that would soon come out. Matt and Megan started to argue about school, home, and many other things while the “non- Molloy’s” sat and tried to calm our partners down. Needless to say that there was much bickering during the brunch and all I remember was that there was a side of Megan I had not seen before. A side of desperation and fear.

After the calm of brunch, came the storm of the travel to DC. Sitting in the train station was one of the hardest things I think I have ever done (besides the hotel to come). As Megan was begging me to not go to DC and to just stay was so confusing to me. For the first time in our relationship I felt there was nothing I could say or do to help her. The train ride was full of me saying that everything will be ok, and lots of crying from both of us. As we arrived in DC, I saw the capital from the train station, and that was about the extent of historical sights that I would see for the rest of the trip. Which I was fine with because I came to see Megan, because lets be honest DC never really changes.

So I checked into the hotel and we didn’t leave until my plane back on Sunday. The hotel was bad. There is no other word to describe the horror of that hotel. Again we stayed up all night and there were ups, downs, laughs, cries and more room service than I had ever had in any other hotel. It was the hardest thing to hold Megan and just cry and know that I would have to leave in about 24 hours. We talked about how depressed she was and how much we just missed each other. It was by far the worst night of my life. The next morning, Megan started to freak out! It was like nothing I had ever seen. It was the first time I had experienced a panic attack. Needless to say it was not a fun morning whatsoever. This was the first time Megan came out and said that she was depressed.

After Megan had clamed down, we checked out of the hotel and took the subway back to CUA. It was just a few hours before I had to take a taxi back to BWI to go home. CUA was beautiful, the Basilica was beautiful, I met Brandee, Megan’s awesome roommate, and the grounds of an East campus school was much different than the hippy NAU. However, Megan was not happy which made me feel, once again, hopeless.

Megan and I were both exhausted. Three days, no sleep and crying almost non-stop was not the best mixture for a happy weekend. The taxi arrived. It was time for me to go. We looked at each other, kissed, and I got in the car. I did not look back and I called my mom and broke down for the hour ride to the airport. I got on the plane at 8PM arrived in AZ at 12AM (time change) and drove back for my 8AM midterm the next day, not my best work. But it was worth it.

DC was filled with memories, most of them bad, but it was still a weekend with my love. And that weekend will never leave my memory. It was our first real test in our relationship and I am proud to say that we both passed.

-Eric Pfaffenberger

the days slowly ticked by until my mom and Kelly finally arrived to visit me. At first, they were meeting up with Matt to get dinner in Baltimore before taking the train to DC. I was livid. Did he not know how badly I needed my mom right now? How selfish of him. I could not believe he was keeping them from me for another two hours or so.

I arrived at union station very early to meet my mom and Kelly. I sat by the chipotle just waiting for the phone call saying that they were there. Finally, she called saying that they were looking for me. I remember seeing Kelly and my mom walking down the spiral marble staircase in the middle of union station and my heart just sank.

Do you ever experience those moments where you think you are okay and then you see someone you love and it triggers a breakdown? That's how I felt right then.

I wanted so badly just to cry right there in my moms arms, but I didn't. My mom was shocked at my weight, and wanted to talk about things. I wasn't going back to my dorm room for the life of me. I was spending every damn second away from that place until I had no choice but to go back. I was secretly hoping I wouldn't go back at all, to be honest.

Nothing felt right about this visit. Nothing at all. There presence with me at DC didn't help things at all. I wasn't supposed to be here, I wasn't meant to be here and it didn't even feel okay with my mom and my best friend. I spent every night with my sister and mom in that hotel room and tried my hardest not to leave it. We watched modern family, dance moms, Long Island medium, everything that we did at home except it didn't feel right.

I couldn't sleep with them there either. The only consolation with sleeping was that when I woke up, I could just roll over and be in my moms arms.

There was one night that made the depression subside for a little bit. We all went to see Pitch Perfect with my roommate, Brandee. Afterward, we went to Fuddruckers and had some burgers. Life seemed okay. It gave me a glimmer of hope. Here I was with my family and my awesome roommate all having a good time.

When it was all over, the darkest of clouds started to roll in. I felt a desperation I had never felt before up to that point in my life. I was begging to go home. Trying to do anything I could to talk my mom into letting me go with her. I couldn't go back. Not after a taste of what I was craving so badly. I would fall deeper and deeper and I knew I would.

There was no eye to this storm. These clouds would never disappear from my life. Ultimately, I wouldn't make it through the storm.

I remember getting dropped off by a taxi on campus that took my mom and Kelly to the airport. I kissed them goodbye and a little piece of me went with them. Life would never be the same.

I walked straight into the Basilica and sat in the crypt church for two Masses. I have never prayed so hard in my life. I have never begged God as much as I did that morning.

I was fighting a losing battle and I was starting to give up. My fight was fading. I was starting to give in to the darkness.

The rest of the week was a blur filled with fear of what was to come on Friday - a visit from Eric.

I remember a feeling of helplessness when I would see Megan calling me on my cell phone. At first she just seemed a little homesick but then it turned into something more. She might call me at 4:30 am feeling like things were falling apart and then again at 8:00 am feeling like things were going to be ok. I also remember being extremely worried about visiting her in D.C. at the beginning of October. It was Kelly’s Fall Break and we were going to have a fun “girls visit”. My emotions were so mixed because I wanted to be there to support her but I was worried our visit would make things worse for Megan.

The visit really opened my eyes that she was going through something more than a little homesickness. She spent as much time as she could with us including sleeping at the hotel. It was then I saw she was having a great deal of trouble sleeping. She would be crying in the middle of the night worried about us leaving her. She spent so much time watching the clock that she couldn’t really enjoy our time together. She started telling me that she wanted to change her major. Then she went on to say she only wanted to stay in D.C. for a year. That changed to a semester. By the time Kelly and I left for Phoenix she was practically beside herself because she couldn’t go home with us. It really broke my heart.

As I mom I was torn between wanting to get her a ticket and bringing her home with me and telling her everything was going to be alright and that things would get better. I tried to remain strong and tell her she could do it if she kept trying and reminding her how much she loved Musical Theatre. She was trying so hard to be strong and stick with her decision but I realize now that what she was facing was overwhelming for anyone…especially an 18-year-old girl so far away from home. What I really wanted was to talk to my mom and get her advice. Since that wasn’t possible I prayed to her for guidance instead.