the days slowly ticked by until my mom and Kelly finally arrived to visit me. At first, they were meeting up with Matt to get dinner in Baltimore before taking the train to DC. I was livid. Did he not know how badly I needed my mom right now? How selfish of him. I could not believe he was keeping them from me for another two hours or so.
I arrived at union station very early to meet my mom and Kelly. I sat by the chipotle just waiting for the phone call saying that they were there. Finally, she called saying that they were looking for me. I remember seeing Kelly and my mom walking down the spiral marble staircase in the middle of union station and my heart just sank.
Do you ever experience those moments where you think you are okay and then you see someone you love and it triggers a breakdown? That's how I felt right then.
I wanted so badly just to cry right there in my moms arms, but I didn't. My mom was shocked at my weight, and wanted to talk about things. I wasn't going back to my dorm room for the life of me. I was spending every damn second away from that place until I had no choice but to go back. I was secretly hoping I wouldn't go back at all, to be honest.
Nothing felt right about this visit. Nothing at all. There presence with me at DC didn't help things at all. I wasn't supposed to be here, I wasn't meant to be here and it didn't even feel okay with my mom and my best friend. I spent every night with my sister and mom in that hotel room and tried my hardest not to leave it. We watched modern family, dance moms, Long Island medium, everything that we did at home except it didn't feel right.
I couldn't sleep with them there either. The only consolation with sleeping was that when I woke up, I could just roll over and be in my moms arms.
There was one night that made the depression subside for a little bit. We all went to see Pitch Perfect with my roommate, Brandee. Afterward, we went to Fuddruckers and had some burgers. Life seemed okay. It gave me a glimmer of hope. Here I was with my family and my awesome roommate all having a good time.
When it was all over, the darkest of clouds started to roll in. I felt a desperation I had never felt before up to that point in my life. I was begging to go home. Trying to do anything I could to talk my mom into letting me go with her. I couldn't go back. Not after a taste of what I was craving so badly. I would fall deeper and deeper and I knew I would.
There was no eye to this storm. These clouds would never disappear from my life. Ultimately, I wouldn't make it through the storm.
I remember getting dropped off by a taxi on campus that took my mom and Kelly to the airport. I kissed them goodbye and a little piece of me went with them. Life would never be the same.
I walked straight into the Basilica and sat in the crypt church for two Masses. I have never prayed so hard in my life. I have never begged God as much as I did that morning.
I was fighting a losing battle and I was starting to give up. My fight was fading. I was starting to give in to the darkness.
The rest of the week was a blur filled with fear of what was to come on Friday - a visit from Eric.
I arrived at union station very early to meet my mom and Kelly. I sat by the chipotle just waiting for the phone call saying that they were there. Finally, she called saying that they were looking for me. I remember seeing Kelly and my mom walking down the spiral marble staircase in the middle of union station and my heart just sank.
Do you ever experience those moments where you think you are okay and then you see someone you love and it triggers a breakdown? That's how I felt right then.
I wanted so badly just to cry right there in my moms arms, but I didn't. My mom was shocked at my weight, and wanted to talk about things. I wasn't going back to my dorm room for the life of me. I was spending every damn second away from that place until I had no choice but to go back. I was secretly hoping I wouldn't go back at all, to be honest.
Nothing felt right about this visit. Nothing at all. There presence with me at DC didn't help things at all. I wasn't supposed to be here, I wasn't meant to be here and it didn't even feel okay with my mom and my best friend. I spent every night with my sister and mom in that hotel room and tried my hardest not to leave it. We watched modern family, dance moms, Long Island medium, everything that we did at home except it didn't feel right.
I couldn't sleep with them there either. The only consolation with sleeping was that when I woke up, I could just roll over and be in my moms arms.
There was one night that made the depression subside for a little bit. We all went to see Pitch Perfect with my roommate, Brandee. Afterward, we went to Fuddruckers and had some burgers. Life seemed okay. It gave me a glimmer of hope. Here I was with my family and my awesome roommate all having a good time.
When it was all over, the darkest of clouds started to roll in. I felt a desperation I had never felt before up to that point in my life. I was begging to go home. Trying to do anything I could to talk my mom into letting me go with her. I couldn't go back. Not after a taste of what I was craving so badly. I would fall deeper and deeper and I knew I would.
There was no eye to this storm. These clouds would never disappear from my life. Ultimately, I wouldn't make it through the storm.
I remember getting dropped off by a taxi on campus that took my mom and Kelly to the airport. I kissed them goodbye and a little piece of me went with them. Life would never be the same.
I walked straight into the Basilica and sat in the crypt church for two Masses. I have never prayed so hard in my life. I have never begged God as much as I did that morning.
I was fighting a losing battle and I was starting to give up. My fight was fading. I was starting to give in to the darkness.
The rest of the week was a blur filled with fear of what was to come on Friday - a visit from Eric.
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