When I came to, I called my mom sobbing. All I wanted to do was curl up in her arms and sleep. I wanted to be in Arizona. How could they possibly keep me here after what I just went through? It seemed so elementary to me to assume I was going to go home now. This has gone too far. I am much too sick. And what go you do when you're too sick for school? Stay home.
The answer was still, 'no'. And I put down all walls I had up. I didn't have the strength to cover my depression any longer. I let it all out.
I was too worked up to walk to the metro station. This is when I remember hitting one of my biggest lows.
I needed to call my dad. I love my dad. He is such a funny guy and always looks out for his kids. I missed hearing him call me 'Megan one' and talking to me. So, I collapsed onto a bench on the side of the rode and pleaded with my dad. He was going to a cardinals game with Eric's dad but I caught him before he had left. 'What do you want me to do, hun? You can't just drop out, I won't let you.'
When you are in the deepest depths of depression, it doesn't matter what you need to do to get better...you'll do it. I could give a shit about dropping out. Me getting better and surviving was a bit more important to me than the few credits that would transfer from CUA.
There I was, in the middle of a very busy street in Maryland uncontrollably sobbing. It's very hard to explain the feelings of depression. The best I can say is extreme hopelessness and despair. I was desperate to get better, to get out. I was too far gone to care about what others saw when they walked by me. Too far in the darkness to care about what Eric was saying. I had one goal - to get out.
My tactics then turned to Eric. 'Just take me home with you. Please Eric. Just take me now. Ill go home like this and get my stuff later. I don't care. There is nothing there I need, they can just sell everything. Eric please. If you love me, just do this. I have never needed anything more then to be out of here.'
Now that I am sane, I cannot believe I put him in that position. But at the time, desperation clouded over any sort of logic. Somehow we got back to Catholic and into my dorm room. There, I calmed down a bit. But like any part of depression, I knew I would hit a low. I didn't want to say goodbye to him. My last hope was leaving me and I was not handling that well. I even payed money for him to take a taxi instead of the metro so he could stay for longer. I finally calmed down enough to say goodbye. I kissed my last hope, and watched him drive away.
I immediately turned around and walked up the stairs to the basilica. By this point in my depression, I was numb. I couldn't cry. I couldn't laugh. I was just living. Living through a haze. I remember sitting in the back of the basilica just being there. God was keeping me alive and I guess that's all I could ask for. Going home was completely out of the question. I had never felt so much comfort in receiving communion. That little wafer gave me a small bit of hope - at least God won't leave me right now. There was nothing else to do...so I truly put my life into his hands.
I was supposed to go back to Baltimore to be with Matt because my parents were so concerned and worried about me being alone. But the numbness had covered me so much that I didn't need to. I was simply breathing, walking, and living. There were no feelings left - just survival.
The next morning I went to an emergency counseling session where she talked to me about withdrawing. I was too glazed over to truly understand what was going on but it sounded wonderful to me...but I knew it wasn't going to happen.
I became a bit of a red flag. People were watching me and I knew it. I had the deans office calling me, making appointments to talk to me about my safety. I had the dean of music call me in to talk saying that I could come in everyday, she would check on me. She gave me her house and cell number and said if I had another attack, to call and she would be a mom for me. I was being watched. They were scared to let me be alone, and so was I.
My thoughts at this point were very disturbing. What was I supposed to do stuck in this place? There was no hope now. Any glimmer of it shining through was covered.
My depression then lead me to consider the darkest of solutions - to take my own life.
The answer was still, 'no'. And I put down all walls I had up. I didn't have the strength to cover my depression any longer. I let it all out.
I was too worked up to walk to the metro station. This is when I remember hitting one of my biggest lows.
I needed to call my dad. I love my dad. He is such a funny guy and always looks out for his kids. I missed hearing him call me 'Megan one' and talking to me. So, I collapsed onto a bench on the side of the rode and pleaded with my dad. He was going to a cardinals game with Eric's dad but I caught him before he had left. 'What do you want me to do, hun? You can't just drop out, I won't let you.'
When you are in the deepest depths of depression, it doesn't matter what you need to do to get better...you'll do it. I could give a shit about dropping out. Me getting better and surviving was a bit more important to me than the few credits that would transfer from CUA.
There I was, in the middle of a very busy street in Maryland uncontrollably sobbing. It's very hard to explain the feelings of depression. The best I can say is extreme hopelessness and despair. I was desperate to get better, to get out. I was too far gone to care about what others saw when they walked by me. Too far in the darkness to care about what Eric was saying. I had one goal - to get out.
My tactics then turned to Eric. 'Just take me home with you. Please Eric. Just take me now. Ill go home like this and get my stuff later. I don't care. There is nothing there I need, they can just sell everything. Eric please. If you love me, just do this. I have never needed anything more then to be out of here.'
Now that I am sane, I cannot believe I put him in that position. But at the time, desperation clouded over any sort of logic. Somehow we got back to Catholic and into my dorm room. There, I calmed down a bit. But like any part of depression, I knew I would hit a low. I didn't want to say goodbye to him. My last hope was leaving me and I was not handling that well. I even payed money for him to take a taxi instead of the metro so he could stay for longer. I finally calmed down enough to say goodbye. I kissed my last hope, and watched him drive away.
I immediately turned around and walked up the stairs to the basilica. By this point in my depression, I was numb. I couldn't cry. I couldn't laugh. I was just living. Living through a haze. I remember sitting in the back of the basilica just being there. God was keeping me alive and I guess that's all I could ask for. Going home was completely out of the question. I had never felt so much comfort in receiving communion. That little wafer gave me a small bit of hope - at least God won't leave me right now. There was nothing else to do...so I truly put my life into his hands.
I was supposed to go back to Baltimore to be with Matt because my parents were so concerned and worried about me being alone. But the numbness had covered me so much that I didn't need to. I was simply breathing, walking, and living. There were no feelings left - just survival.
The next morning I went to an emergency counseling session where she talked to me about withdrawing. I was too glazed over to truly understand what was going on but it sounded wonderful to me...but I knew it wasn't going to happen.
I became a bit of a red flag. People were watching me and I knew it. I had the deans office calling me, making appointments to talk to me about my safety. I had the dean of music call me in to talk saying that I could come in everyday, she would check on me. She gave me her house and cell number and said if I had another attack, to call and she would be a mom for me. I was being watched. They were scared to let me be alone, and so was I.
My thoughts at this point were very disturbing. What was I supposed to do stuck in this place? There was no hope now. Any glimmer of it shining through was covered.
My depression then lead me to consider the darkest of solutions - to take my own life.
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