I would say one of the hardest aspects of having depression was what it did to my friendships. When life is getting a little too hard to handle inside of your own head, you take it out on the ones around you.
Well, I sure took it out on people. On the night of the presidential election, I was so happy that Obama won! You have no idea. This was the first election I could vote in, and my candidate won! All of the convincing, campaigning, and conversing was over and now Barack Obama was going to have a second term. I was on a high. I remember sitting in my new room in the basement and cheering when I saw the headline.
Then, the comments started to roll in. I know I live in a conservative state, and the majority of my Facebook friends are republicans - but I was pissed that they were ruining my night. For once I was feeling joy again. For once I was excited for something! I had invested so much of my energy into this election, and the shitty comments pushed me over the edge.
As I sat there, I looked at my Facebook and thought, 'gee, I have waayyyy too many friends'. People were asking where I voted...what state I cast my ballot in...and I was not ready to answer that to two thousand people. Only a few people knew that I was back and I sure as hell was not ready to broadcast my major flaw to all of these people who had a picture perfect image of me.
So I did a little house cleaning. I started to delete people. People who annoyed me, people who I didn't talk to, people who I hadn't seen in a few months, really anybody that didn't know about my situation or the people I didn't want knowing just yet.
Well in the midst of my deleting, I deleted one of my best friend's boyfriend. I wasn't very close to him - in fact I hadn't talked to him in months and I really didn't think anything of it. He made his comments here and there but we were never super close. Besides, I was a much different person now then I was on our last double date.
I think I deleted about four hundred people that night and it. felt. great. It was probably one of the most liberating things I did when I first got back. After the hours it took me to go through, I finally felt as if I could post anything, because those who saw were people that mattered to me and I knew they cared.
Well, this backfired big time. Honestly, I didn't think people would even notice but I must be on some random people's radars. I started getting massive amounts of friend requests, messages asking why I deleted them, everything you could think of. And then the big one hit.
For some reason, even after seeing him, my friends boyfriend realized I had deleted him. And instead of asking me directly, he went through my friend to find the answer.
I never thought my friendship with this person would end over a petty thing like Facebook-Friending but it did. At the time, she blamed me on deleting him because of his political views and that certain comments he made pissed me off. I was 'immature' and petty. Sure, that was initially the reason why I started deleting people but it grew into something more. It grew into a comfort zone to me. I was finally able to share my experiences with my Facebook friends and I didn't have to worry who saw it.
No apology would change her decision about our friendship. Years of friendship, countless hours of talking, all the trust, the tears, the secrets; none of it mattered anymore. It all came down to a simple friend request. Ironic.
Not only did I lose her, but I lost everyone that came with her. To be honest, I lost the people I really needed. I lost my friends. I had no one to go to anymore that wasn't a family member or Eric, and I needed that. This sparked a huge wave of depression for me. I couldn't eat at Barros anymore, or when I did my mom would get the pizza. I would love to say that a person could not have that much effect on me, but she did. In the moments where I needed a best friend the most, she left over a Facebook failure.
What have a learned from this? True friends are truly hard to find. I was already being phased out of the group. I didn't hear big news because they didn't want to inconvenience me - I was going through so much. Funny how I would had killed to hear some sort of girl gossip - some sort of petty escape from the dark world that is depression. Funny how a simple diagnosis can completely change people's perceptions of you.
But when you are fighting a battle with yourself - you truly do not need those people. At first it was extremely hard to deal with, but after awhile, after phasing them out of my life, I was grateful. At least I found out early on.
I saw my other best friend later on at a Starbucks and it was like running into an ex boyfriend after a break up (not that I would know, I just imagine so). It was as if I had tragically hurt the other and all she could give me was an 'I hope things turn out well for you.'
In the midst of darkness, it's okay to turn to others to bring you light. And if someone isn't willing to be that light, then let them be.
I guess I am still 'friendless'. But I don't care. I would rather be surround by a few people that truly care than two thousand of fake 'friends'. My best friends are my ex roommate Brandee and my long time friend Katie Barlow. Thank you for the daily snapchats and the constant reminders that I am not alone. Even the little light of the phone notifying me that you still care drew me out of the darkest of nights.
'Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light'.
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