Eric Rivers has been my best friend for about three years now. At first, he was this big popular football player who I had a massive crush on who never even talked to me. I remember the first time I met Eric. We were at a 'welcome to high school' kind of party at my aunt's house and he was introduced to me as 'pfaffy'. I snickered a little because who the hell would name their child Pfaffy? Anyway, eventually I was playing guitar hero alone (wow) and Eric walked up and commented on how good I was but said he could still beat me. Well, he challenged me, let me pick the song (When You Were Young by The Killers), and I TOTALLY beat him. 'Great, there goes my chance with that guy...'

As the years went by I would occasionally see him and say 'hi' or 'good luck at the game tonight!' or of course the ever important 'happy birthday' always hoping it would spark an interest in me. Well, it didn't. He would say 'thanks' and walk away in his football jersey looking ever so handsome.

Beauty and the Beast came along and I asked Eric to come over because I had never kissed a boy before and didn't want my first kiss to be in front of the whole cast during rehearsal. We spent hours talking. I had never been able to talk to a guy so easily, it was amazing. My crush was swelling quite quickly. Then the moment came. We had been eating otter pops - I had a blue one and he had a pink - he hugged me, and leaned down and kissed me. It was beautiful. As we stepped apart, he had this weird look on his face which wasn't very comforting for a girl who had just had her first kiss. Well, seconds later, he grabbed my face and kissed me once again. Now this kiss was different. It was a fireworks exploding, choir singing, doves flying away kind of kiss, but all I could think of was that HE KISSED ME! I didn't initiate anything, that was all him!! I could hardly contain my joy.

The rest is history. We became a couple, and item around campus. We were hardly seen without the other but I didn't mind. This guy was my best friend. We were voted homecoming king and queen, he asked me to prom at Disneyland, we had a picture perfect The Notebook kind of love.

Then I went to college. Eric and I had never experienced any problems in our relationship. People would ask me if we fought and honestly, the answer was no. We would have our bickering here and there but even to this day I have never been mad at Eric for more than an hour or so. We have it pretty easy. Well, the Fall semester of 2012 was the worst time in our lives. At first, our relationship was still the picture perfect high school relationship that we had been maintaining for the past two years, but then as time went on, it grew into something more. Something full of true devotion and love for the other.

Eric has never left my side through my depression. Even across the country in a small dorm room at NAU he tried his hardest to be the rock that I needed during my worst times. He would answer every single time I called him and would spend hours trying to give me the strength to simply get up and keep going. He would listen to be sob and he would draw me out of my worst lows. He would send me long text messages during the day about how much closer I was to coming home and that if anyone could make it through, I could.

The moment that truly changed our relationship was my severe panic attack in Bethesda, Maryland. Words cannot describe how vulnerable and truly terrified I was in that moment. Lying on the floor, shaking, sweating, hyperventilating, and uncontrollably sobbing, I had no idea what to do. I had lost control of my body. But for some reason, I knew everything was going to be okay. He was next to me, talking me through it, keeping me breathing, trying to calm me down, rubbing my back and trying to soothe me. When nothing worked, he picked me up and carried my limp body into the shower where he sat by my side until I came to. Sorry if that's graphic, but welcome to depression. And what was so amazing to me was that through it all - not a tear was shed in front of me. There was not a moment where I thought Eric was scared. For some reason, Eric kept it together and that made all the difference.

After that day, my world with Eric changed. We were no longer a cute couple but a mature couple who loves each other no matter what. I had never been as vulnerable with anyone, let alone Eric. Things started to get even more serious after I came home. He would visit about every other week to check in and make sure everything was okay. He would come surprise me at work and make my day. He would still hold me through the lows that never went away, and would ignore all the nasty things I would say in the moment.

I thank God everyday for my best friend. I honestly do not know what I would do without him. I know I say that a lot, but with Eric it is 100% true. He has been a source of hope for me in the darkest of times. He was there when my friends left me. He helped me move in when my depression told me to get my own place. He held my hand through every panic attack - including one in Dallas when I was meeting his family and one at my brothers wedding. And the greatest part is that he is still the guy wearing a UCLA t-shirt who kissed me that night, and it will never change.

I love you, Eric.

I would say one of the hardest aspects of having depression was what it did to my friendships. When life is getting a little too hard to handle inside of your own head, you take it out on the ones around you.

Well, I sure took it out on people. On the night of the presidential election, I was so happy that Obama won! You have no idea. This was the first election I could vote in, and my candidate won! All of the convincing, campaigning, and conversing was over and now Barack Obama was going to have a second term. I was on a high. I remember sitting in my new room in the basement and cheering when I saw the headline.

Then, the comments started to roll in. I know I live in a conservative state, and the majority of my Facebook friends are republicans - but I was pissed that they were ruining my night. For once I was feeling joy again. For once I was excited for something! I had invested so much of my energy into this election, and the shitty comments pushed me over the edge.

As I sat there, I looked at my Facebook and thought, 'gee, I have waayyyy too many friends'. People were asking where I voted...what state I cast my ballot in...and I was not ready to answer that to two thousand people. Only a few people knew that I was back and I sure as hell was not ready to broadcast my major flaw to all of these people who had a picture perfect image of me.

So I did a little house cleaning. I started to delete people. People who annoyed me, people who I didn't talk to, people who I hadn't seen in a few months, really anybody that didn't know about my situation or the people I didn't want knowing just yet.

Well in the midst of my deleting, I deleted one of my best friend's boyfriend. I wasn't very close to him - in fact I hadn't talked to him in months and I really didn't think anything of it. He made his comments here and there but we were never super close. Besides, I was a much different person now then I was on our last double date.

I think I deleted about four hundred people that night and it. felt. great. It was probably one of the most liberating things I did when I first got back. After the hours it took me to go through, I finally felt as if I could post anything, because those who saw were people that mattered to me and I knew they cared.

Well, this backfired big time. Honestly, I didn't think people would even notice but I must be on some random people's radars. I started getting massive amounts of friend requests, messages asking why I deleted them, everything you could think of. And then the big one hit.

For some reason, even after seeing him, my friends boyfriend realized I had deleted him. And instead of asking me directly, he went through my friend to find the answer.

I never thought my friendship with this person would end over a petty thing like Facebook-Friending but it did. At the time, she blamed me on deleting him because of his political views and that certain comments he made pissed me off. I was 'immature' and petty. Sure, that was initially the reason why I started deleting people but it grew into something more. It grew into a comfort zone to me. I was finally able to share my experiences with my Facebook friends and I didn't have to worry who saw it.

No apology would change her decision about our friendship. Years of friendship, countless hours of talking, all the trust, the tears, the secrets; none of it mattered anymore. It all came down to a simple friend request. Ironic.

Not only did I lose her, but I lost everyone that came with her. To be honest, I lost the people I really needed. I lost my friends. I had no one to go to anymore that wasn't a family member or Eric, and I needed that. This sparked a huge wave of depression for me. I couldn't eat at Barros anymore, or when I did my mom would get the pizza. I would love to say that a person could not have that much effect on me, but she did. In the moments where I needed a best friend the most, she left over a Facebook failure.

What have a learned from this? True friends are truly hard to find. I was already being phased out of the group. I didn't hear big news because they didn't want to inconvenience me - I was going through so much. Funny how I would had killed to hear some sort of girl gossip - some sort of petty escape from the dark world that is depression. Funny how a simple diagnosis can completely change people's perceptions of you.

But when you are fighting a battle with yourself - you truly do not need those people. At first it was extremely hard to deal with, but after awhile, after phasing them out of my life, I was grateful. At least I found out early on.

I saw my other best friend later on at a Starbucks and it was like running into an ex boyfriend after a break up (not that I would know, I just imagine so). It was as if I had tragically hurt the other and all she could give me was an 'I hope things turn out well for you.'

In the midst of darkness, it's okay to turn to others to bring you light. And if someone isn't willing to be that light, then let them be.

I guess I am still 'friendless'. But I don't care. I would rather be surround by a few people that truly care than two thousand of fake 'friends'. My best friends are my ex roommate Brandee and my long time friend Katie Barlow. Thank you for the daily snapchats and the constant reminders that I am not alone. Even the little light of the phone notifying me that you still care drew me out of the darkest of nights.

'Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light'.

My initial diagnosis was Situation Depression or Adjustment Disorder. 
 
WebMD's definition - "Adjustment disorder is a short-term condition that occurs when a person is unable to cope with, or adjust to, a particular source of stress, such as a major life change, loss, or event."

My counselors and doctors thought that once I withdrew and removed myself from the situation, I would start feeling significantly better. Unfortunately, we soon found out that my condition was more severe than that. I was soon diagnosed with Major Depression, also known as Clinical Depression. If you're interested, here's a link to WebMD's page on Major Depression: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/major-depression

At this time, I realized that this was not something that I could ever get rid of. My depression would come and go, but it was a cross I would carry for the rest of my life. I was okay with that, but I needed to really look hard at myself and figure out what things spring on my Major Depression episodes. Certain things in my life had never bothered me before, but after my depression developed, the simplest things can immediately trigger an episode at any moment of the day. It was important to figure out these things in order to fight back in the battle against depression.