My initial diagnosis was Situation Depression or Adjustment Disorder.
WebMD's definition - "Adjustment disorder is a short-term condition that occurs when a person is unable to cope with, or adjust to, a particular source of stress, such as a major life change, loss, or event."
My counselors and doctors thought that once I withdrew and removed myself from the situation, I would start feeling significantly better. Unfortunately, we soon found out that my condition was more severe than that. I was soon diagnosed with Major Depression, also known as Clinical Depression. If you're interested, here's a link to WebMD's page on Major Depression: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/major-depression
At this time, I realized that this was not something that I could ever get rid of. My depression would come and go, but it was a cross I would carry for the rest of my life. I was okay with that, but I needed to really look hard at myself and figure out what things spring on my Major Depression episodes. Certain things in my life had never bothered me before, but after my depression developed, the simplest things can immediately trigger an episode at any moment of the day. It was important to figure out these things in order to fight back in the battle against depression.
WebMD's definition - "Adjustment disorder is a short-term condition that occurs when a person is unable to cope with, or adjust to, a particular source of stress, such as a major life change, loss, or event."
My counselors and doctors thought that once I withdrew and removed myself from the situation, I would start feeling significantly better. Unfortunately, we soon found out that my condition was more severe than that. I was soon diagnosed with Major Depression, also known as Clinical Depression. If you're interested, here's a link to WebMD's page on Major Depression: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/major-depression
At this time, I realized that this was not something that I could ever get rid of. My depression would come and go, but it was a cross I would carry for the rest of my life. I was okay with that, but I needed to really look hard at myself and figure out what things spring on my Major Depression episodes. Certain things in my life had never bothered me before, but after my depression developed, the simplest things can immediately trigger an episode at any moment of the day. It was important to figure out these things in order to fight back in the battle against depression.
my triggers.
 who I was. I could not handle comparing myself during my depression with who I used to be. Not to toot my own horn, but I had everything going for me in high school. I was Student Body President, Editor of the Yearbook, Homecoming Queen, you name it and I probably was it. I had a bright, bright future ahead of me and was accepted into one of the top Musical Theater programs in the nation. Seeing photos of myself before my depression brought out extreme emotions of shame. I am not that person today, and for awhile, I was ashamed of it. For me, I had been on the top of the world, and had crashed down in the worst sort of ways. I had gone from being a hero to being a zero. I was very scared of Seton and of all the people I had associated with there. In fact, I could not return to Seton. The first time I stepped foot on campus since my return was actually last week. This is not a trigger I am completely over, but I have been doing much better with it. Seeing that person now, I am saddened at who I was. I may have had a lot going for me, but my biggest enemy was myself. That Homecoming Queen may have been loved and admired, but she wasn't honest with herself and brought herself down in the end.  my appearance. This trigger has pretty much vanished but for the first few months, I changed almost everything about my appearance. I couldn't stand looking like how I looked in Washington. The second day I was home, I went to my hairstylist - shout out to Kristen! - and got my hair drastically cut. I have never ever had short hair, but after getting those inches cut off, I felt new again. I felt as if the last months had been cut off. That hair had been through a lot with me, and I needed it gone. I also got five piercings when I got home. For some reason I just needed to feel different, be different - than I was before. If people couldn't recognize me, than I had done my job. Looking in the mirror and remembering the times I had gone through was extremely painful, so I just made myself unrecognizable from who I had been. |  washingtion d.c. seeing our nation's catpital on the news, shows, movies, anything - would set me off. Watching the election, seeing the Facebook posts about my friends back at Catholic going to the White House the night of the Election, watching the Inauguration on my birthday and knowing that I was supposed to be there to watch the man I rooted for being reinstated as President - you would be surprised how often D.C. pops up on the screen. One particular event set me off very badly - the March for Life. The annual March for Life is in D.C. and utilizes the Basilica for certain ceremonies. Well, Seton had a group go from their Students for Life Club attend the March for Life. For a few days, my Facebook and Instagram were filled with pictures of the place I feared the most - The Catholic University of America. This is still a VERY real trigger for me, and I become extremely anxious when thinking about leaving to the East Coast. One day I will be able to visit D.C. again and be okay, but I can honestly say that time is years from now.  baltimore. this trigger I am having to deal with much quicker than I am able to. Next week, I will be traveling to Baltimore for the first time since I withdrew from CUA. I associate Baltimore with a lot of bad times. The tearful train rides, desperate pleas, the last destination holding me back from returning home - Baltimore has not been a place of joy at all for me. Honestly, I have been working very hard with my counselor to overcome this fear, but I am not nearly as close as I should be to returning there. I am staying positive and truly hoping that everything will work out perfectly. |  performing. after my depression, I legitimately thought I would never perform again. I stopped singing, dancing, and developing my performance abilities. I couldn't relate to that part of my life anymore. I lived Musical Theater everyday and I lived it during the darkest time of my life. I finally overcame this trigger and auditioned for my first show. God was smiling down on me and I received the lead female role in Little Shop of Horrors that begins in mid-July. I really think this role was God reaffirming my love for performing. If anyone wants to see the show, I'll keep you all updated. There are moments in the rehearsal process where I feel the lows creeping up but it usually diminishes.  music. being so musically inclined, I relate very easily to songs and lyrics. because of this, certain songs like Daylight by Maroon 5 especially, can trigger an immediately change in me. When I hear the 'Here I am waiting..' my heart starts to speed, my palms get sweaty, and I am brought back right away to the hotel room where I had my panic attack and Daylight was what I was living. I deleted the playlists I had, the songs I listened to, and all other things that brought me back to that time in my life.  traveling. well, specifically airports and hotels. I am not scared of being somewhere that is not Arizona, but hotels and airports remind me way too much of certain events. some of my worst, most desperate moments took place in airports. the flights back to D.C., the flight back home that had a two hour layover in Albuquerque - moments that were extremely desperate for me. there are few things that can spark immediate distress, but hotels and especially airports are both one of them. |
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